Well another here has come and gone, and we survived the year 2000 with flying colors. What do I say about this past year...It started off on a hot note...oh Guyana, I miss that hot weather, though it was great spending NYE with people I truely love. So I don't usually make resolutions for the new year, but this year I want to. Not sure why. I need some goals, some purpose to my life. So here we go.
1) Spend at least 5 minutes a day on my treadmill. I know that this does not sound like much, but I have a stupid muscle in my leg that gets really tight when I walk, so I need to start somewhere.
2)To find a new hobby by Febuary that I can participate in during the evenings.
3) To get back into writing. I use to journal, write songs/music/poetry and all that sort of thing. It is a great release.
4) To do and complete a minimum of 1 photo shoot a month
5) To actually follow my reservations.
Please hold me to these....
About Me
- Cassandra
- First off, I am a child of God. One who struggles, yet overcomes. One who feels weary, yet fulfilled. One who deals a lot with finding out who I truely am, yet I am loved!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
"Some times the weak becomes the strong"...
Its one of those days. The days that the air has the power to piss me off. I feel alone, bored, and depressed. Work is the most challenging thing ever right now. There are some purposed changes coming up (hopefully) that will make the title of this post come true. However, until than I feel so weak. I feel so drained, so tired, so empty.
This song is on repeat on my ipod right now...it speaks to me...
"Raining Again"-The Illusion of Progress Staind
A Piece Of Glass
In The Sand Under Your Feet
It Cuts You Deep
And Makes You Hate The Beauty
That You See
And You Wonder Where You Are
How You Ever Got So Far
Now You Question What Went Wrong
It's Your Heart
It's Raining Again
There's A Dark Cloud
Over Your Head
It Follows You 'Round
It's Bringing You Down
It's Raining
It's Raining Again
A Wilted Rose
Your Decay Is All You See
You Buy The Flaws
And Miss The Beauty
That Is Yours For Free
Realize You Are So Far
From The Things That Matter Now
And You Only Wonder How
It's Your Heart
It's Raining Again
There's A Dark Cloud
Over Your Head
It Follows You 'Round
It's Bringing You Down
It's Raining
It's Raining Again
Come On
Come On Get It Right
Come On
Come On Make It Right
Come On
Come On It's Alright
It's Raining Again
There's A Dark Cloud
Over Your Head
It Follows You 'Round
It's Bringing You Down
It's Raining
It's Raining Again
It's Raining
Raining Again
There's A Dark Cloud
Over Your Head
This song is on repeat on my ipod right now...it speaks to me...
"Raining Again"-The Illusion of Progress Staind
A Piece Of Glass
In The Sand Under Your Feet
It Cuts You Deep
And Makes You Hate The Beauty
That You See
And You Wonder Where You Are
How You Ever Got So Far
Now You Question What Went Wrong
It's Your Heart
It's Raining Again
There's A Dark Cloud
Over Your Head
It Follows You 'Round
It's Bringing You Down
It's Raining
It's Raining Again
A Wilted Rose
Your Decay Is All You See
You Buy The Flaws
And Miss The Beauty
That Is Yours For Free
Realize You Are So Far
From The Things That Matter Now
And You Only Wonder How
It's Your Heart
It's Raining Again
There's A Dark Cloud
Over Your Head
It Follows You 'Round
It's Bringing You Down
It's Raining
It's Raining Again
Come On
Come On Get It Right
Come On
Come On Make It Right
Come On
Come On It's Alright
It's Raining Again
There's A Dark Cloud
Over Your Head
It Follows You 'Round
It's Bringing You Down
It's Raining
It's Raining Again
It's Raining
Raining Again
There's A Dark Cloud
Over Your Head
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Autumn
The on fire trees with their red, orange and yellow leaves
the smell of a crisp autumn day
the Russel of fall in the air
Its here.
The last week or so, throughout the depression, anger and pain, I have been able to see God. His beauty is captivated in the changing of the seasons so often and for some reason this fall I see it to its powers. I have had the opportunity to be driving in our area a bit lately and have had the huge blessing to watch the seasons change. From the eye of a photographer, no photograph, no million dollar camera, no photographer with years of experience could capture the beauty of fall. I am left absolutely awe struck with the beauty that God has blessed us with. If this is the beauty we see on earth...What is heaven going to be like?
Thought to ponder...
Cassandra
the smell of a crisp autumn day
the Russel of fall in the air
Its here.
The last week or so, throughout the depression, anger and pain, I have been able to see God. His beauty is captivated in the changing of the seasons so often and for some reason this fall I see it to its powers. I have had the opportunity to be driving in our area a bit lately and have had the huge blessing to watch the seasons change. From the eye of a photographer, no photograph, no million dollar camera, no photographer with years of experience could capture the beauty of fall. I am left absolutely awe struck with the beauty that God has blessed us with. If this is the beauty we see on earth...What is heaven going to be like?
Thought to ponder...
Cassandra
Friday, September 24, 2010
pray
I have no idea who reads this, I have no idea if ANYONE reads this...but if you do, please pray. My depression is back with vengence. Getting out of bed in the morning is a huge struggle and than once I am out of bed, the only thing I want to do is go back to bed.
I am sorry to everyone this has effected. If I have recently cancelled a planned coffee date or hang out time...chance are I told you that I wasnt feeling well. When the truth is, I was feeling depressed and not wanting to have to put on an act so I decided it is easier to not go. I apologize.
I feel so alone, yet I see why. Its hard to explain. Why don't I just keep coffee dates, go and hang out with friends and all that jazz. But I just can't.
I have to be strong for so many other people. I have to be viewed as someone who has life all together and viewed as strong for my job. I am young or my job, so I have to prove my maturity...I love my job, don't get me wrong. It is my dream job. But, most other 21 year olds are still out partying or working jobs that require little to no education and here I am in a management position. It scares me somedays. There are days where I wish I could return to MPRC and just go work my shift and be done. NOt have to always be on call, not have to do the paper work and all that jazz but than there is the other 95% of days where not a chance do I want to go back to that kind of a job.
I have been dealing with very high anxiety levels lately. To the point I absolutly dispise being home alone after dark. I think the worst. I can't handle even watching CSI shows or stuff like that without it affecting me for a day or two...
This is life right now, if you read this, please pray for me.
I am sorry to everyone this has effected. If I have recently cancelled a planned coffee date or hang out time...chance are I told you that I wasnt feeling well. When the truth is, I was feeling depressed and not wanting to have to put on an act so I decided it is easier to not go. I apologize.
I feel so alone, yet I see why. Its hard to explain. Why don't I just keep coffee dates, go and hang out with friends and all that jazz. But I just can't.
I have to be strong for so many other people. I have to be viewed as someone who has life all together and viewed as strong for my job. I am young or my job, so I have to prove my maturity...I love my job, don't get me wrong. It is my dream job. But, most other 21 year olds are still out partying or working jobs that require little to no education and here I am in a management position. It scares me somedays. There are days where I wish I could return to MPRC and just go work my shift and be done. NOt have to always be on call, not have to do the paper work and all that jazz but than there is the other 95% of days where not a chance do I want to go back to that kind of a job.
I have been dealing with very high anxiety levels lately. To the point I absolutly dispise being home alone after dark. I think the worst. I can't handle even watching CSI shows or stuff like that without it affecting me for a day or two...
This is life right now, if you read this, please pray for me.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Update
A few thoughts from my brain...
This is the first year in 16 years that I havent been going back to school.What a weird feeling. I miss it in a way. I miss the friendships. I often feel so lonely here in morden, my old friends have seemed to move on in life and that is understandable but it still sucks.
Cory and I are leading youth in Manitou this year. It gets me thinking about my experiences in youth and I severly miss those days. My relationship with Jason and Traci among other youth leaders. The support I felt from them got me through so much and I pray I can pass that support on to the youth I support.
My depression is up and down lately...It is tough not to have a lot of people to talk to about it. I miss the late night dorm talks, the late night walks and such.
Ho Hum!
HOwever, I love my husband so much. He has been my rock so much lately. Starting a new job has been so challenging and he has been simply amazing. I wish I could show him how much I truely appriciate him!
This is the first year in 16 years that I havent been going back to school.What a weird feeling. I miss it in a way. I miss the friendships. I often feel so lonely here in morden, my old friends have seemed to move on in life and that is understandable but it still sucks.
Cory and I are leading youth in Manitou this year. It gets me thinking about my experiences in youth and I severly miss those days. My relationship with Jason and Traci among other youth leaders. The support I felt from them got me through so much and I pray I can pass that support on to the youth I support.
My depression is up and down lately...It is tough not to have a lot of people to talk to about it. I miss the late night dorm talks, the late night walks and such.
Ho Hum!
HOwever, I love my husband so much. He has been my rock so much lately. Starting a new job has been so challenging and he has been simply amazing. I wish I could show him how much I truely appriciate him!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
The Battle
"I see two armies. The one to my left is black...all black. The one to my right is all white. I am in between, walking on a fence that continues to grow more narrower with each passing moment. "
This is the begining of a spiritual battle I faced on Friday night. I want to back track though to give you my full story...
Punch NUMERO 1!
THis past week I spent a great few days in Steinbach. I stayed with an awesome friend and her husband who, most, would belive that they are christians. I am not sure where they stand fully but I believe that the Christian Faith is not strong point in their lives. But they could have the world fooled. This got me thinking. I consider myself a nice person and because of that, I called myself a Christian...I had people convinced I was a strong/devoted Christian, which truthfully, it has been 3 years since I have been.
Punch NUMERO 2
Later in the week, I went for coffee with a friend, a friend I can be open and honest to, and one who holds me accountable. She asked me how my spiritual life is going and I responded my typical answer "not wherre it should be but I know I have to change before I go back to leading youth in Sept." (RED FLAG-Change to be a youth leader...I think not, that change needs to happen long before hand!)
PUNCH NUMERO 3
I came home, knowing I had a funeral to attend the next day. The funeral was my friends 29 year old brother. The theme of the message was to live the life you have, because life is short.
"I see two armies. The one to my left is black...all black. The one to my right is all white. I am in between, walking on a fence that continues to grow more narrower with each passing moment. "
The battle rages on...
All these "punches" had hit hard. I knew I had a decision to face, but I never anticipated the spiritual battle I was entering. I could see the picture, the picture I described above, the one added thing....Cory was the only recognizable face behind the white army side.
I battled in my head, crying and pacing out loud, something had me attached to both sides and both sides were at a stand still. I paced my bedroom for minutes, "which side do I choose?" I knew that this was a final discision, there was no aborting or turning back. I froze in fear.
"I LOVE YOU." These three words Cory said physically, yet it was not his voice...
"COME TO ME." Yet again, he said these words, yet it was GOD SPEAKING!
All at once a battle began. Both sides pulled with all their might. I could see this battle in my head, I could feel each pull phsically. And than a pair of scissors appeared in my hand. I knew I had to cut the cord and fall to the side of my decision. "I LOVE YOU, COME TO ME" I hear again. I struggled and cut that black cord, I was uplifted through the white army, to my husbands arms. I was free of the bond. I could literally see the White army overtaking the black. The battle Had been won.
God spoke to me. He told me he was Glad I was back to passionatly being his child again. He told me it would not be an easy change but He would guide me. He would encourage me, He would reward me for my faithfulness. And I see that already!
I can truely and passionatly say I LOVE CHRIST! I want to shout it from the roof tops. I can also say I truely love my husband like never before. Christ is now the true centre of our relationship. We, as a couple, are doing devotions together, praying together, and most importantly loving each other.
God is overtaking my life again. I love it. He is helping my attitudes and negativity disappear, and changing my views on different things.
I know this new journey is going to be rough but God has promised me great reward...and that is Heaven! GOd bless you all!
Holding on to him (GLADLY!)
Cassandra
This is the begining of a spiritual battle I faced on Friday night. I want to back track though to give you my full story...
Punch NUMERO 1!
THis past week I spent a great few days in Steinbach. I stayed with an awesome friend and her husband who, most, would belive that they are christians. I am not sure where they stand fully but I believe that the Christian Faith is not strong point in their lives. But they could have the world fooled. This got me thinking. I consider myself a nice person and because of that, I called myself a Christian...I had people convinced I was a strong/devoted Christian, which truthfully, it has been 3 years since I have been.
Punch NUMERO 2
Later in the week, I went for coffee with a friend, a friend I can be open and honest to, and one who holds me accountable. She asked me how my spiritual life is going and I responded my typical answer "not wherre it should be but I know I have to change before I go back to leading youth in Sept." (RED FLAG-Change to be a youth leader...I think not, that change needs to happen long before hand!)
PUNCH NUMERO 3
I came home, knowing I had a funeral to attend the next day. The funeral was my friends 29 year old brother. The theme of the message was to live the life you have, because life is short.
"I see two armies. The one to my left is black...all black. The one to my right is all white. I am in between, walking on a fence that continues to grow more narrower with each passing moment. "
The battle rages on...
All these "punches" had hit hard. I knew I had a decision to face, but I never anticipated the spiritual battle I was entering. I could see the picture, the picture I described above, the one added thing....Cory was the only recognizable face behind the white army side.
I battled in my head, crying and pacing out loud, something had me attached to both sides and both sides were at a stand still. I paced my bedroom for minutes, "which side do I choose?" I knew that this was a final discision, there was no aborting or turning back. I froze in fear.
"I LOVE YOU." These three words Cory said physically, yet it was not his voice...
"COME TO ME." Yet again, he said these words, yet it was GOD SPEAKING!
All at once a battle began. Both sides pulled with all their might. I could see this battle in my head, I could feel each pull phsically. And than a pair of scissors appeared in my hand. I knew I had to cut the cord and fall to the side of my decision. "I LOVE YOU, COME TO ME" I hear again. I struggled and cut that black cord, I was uplifted through the white army, to my husbands arms. I was free of the bond. I could literally see the White army overtaking the black. The battle Had been won.
God spoke to me. He told me he was Glad I was back to passionatly being his child again. He told me it would not be an easy change but He would guide me. He would encourage me, He would reward me for my faithfulness. And I see that already!
I can truely and passionatly say I LOVE CHRIST! I want to shout it from the roof tops. I can also say I truely love my husband like never before. Christ is now the true centre of our relationship. We, as a couple, are doing devotions together, praying together, and most importantly loving each other.
God is overtaking my life again. I love it. He is helping my attitudes and negativity disappear, and changing my views on different things.
I know this new journey is going to be rough but God has promised me great reward...and that is Heaven! GOd bless you all!
Holding on to him (GLADLY!)
Cassandra
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A lil'bit Better
Life seems a bit better now. I know my last handful of posts have been rather negative and such but bare with me. Some more inspirational post will come.
This last week or so, I have been working hard at getting my home based photography business off the ground (on facebook-CW PHOTOGRAPHY). I did one photo shoot,have another one tomorrow and hopefully a few next week.
I am starting to adjust better to morden life. Still feel very alone a lot of the time but I have to keep trucking along. Did a girls only fondue a few weeks ago. There was just a few of us ladies, all but one had been married longer than I,so it was a great time. Having another one next friday but opened it up to any girl!
WEll i suppose its time for work, work is a love/hate relationship for me, love the people hate the hours. Lots of evenings.
~C!
This last week or so, I have been working hard at getting my home based photography business off the ground (on facebook-CW PHOTOGRAPHY). I did one photo shoot,have another one tomorrow and hopefully a few next week.
I am starting to adjust better to morden life. Still feel very alone a lot of the time but I have to keep trucking along. Did a girls only fondue a few weeks ago. There was just a few of us ladies, all but one had been married longer than I,so it was a great time. Having another one next friday but opened it up to any girl!
WEll i suppose its time for work, work is a love/hate relationship for me, love the people hate the hours. Lots of evenings.
~C!
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