Autumn

The on fire trees with their red, orange and yellow leaves
the smell of a crisp autumn day
the Russel of fall in the air
Its here.

The last week or so, throughout the depression, anger and pain, I have been able to see God. His beauty is captivated in the changing of the seasons so often and for some reason this fall I see it to its powers. I have had the opportunity to be driving in our area a bit lately and have had the huge blessing to watch the seasons change. From the eye of a photographer, no photograph, no million dollar camera, no photographer with years of experience could capture the beauty of fall. I am left absolutely awe struck with the beauty that God has blessed us with. If this is the beauty we see on earth...What is heaven going to be like?


Thought to ponder...
Cassandra

pray

I have no idea who reads this, I have no idea if ANYONE reads this...but if you do, please pray. My depression is back with vengence. Getting out of bed in the morning is a huge struggle and than once I am out of bed, the only thing I want to do is go back to bed.

I am sorry to everyone this has effected. If I have recently cancelled a planned coffee date or hang out time...chance are I told you that I wasnt feeling well. When the truth is, I was feeling depressed and not wanting to have to put on an act so I decided it is easier to not go. I apologize.

I feel so alone, yet I see why. Its hard to explain. Why don't I just keep coffee dates, go and hang out with friends and all that jazz. But I just can't.

I have to be strong for so many other people. I have to be viewed as someone who has life all together and viewed as strong for my job. I am young or my job, so I have to prove my maturity...I love my job, don't get me wrong. It is my dream job. But, most other 21 year olds are still out partying or working jobs that require little to no education and here I am in a management position. It scares me somedays. There are days where I wish I could return to MPRC and just go work my shift and be done. NOt have to always be on call, not have to do the paper work and all that jazz but than there is the other 95% of days where not a chance do I want to go back to that kind of a job.

I have been dealing with very high anxiety levels lately. To the point I absolutly dispise being home alone after dark. I think the worst. I can't handle even watching CSI shows or stuff like that without it affecting me for a day or two...

This is life right now, if you read this, please pray for me.

Update

A few thoughts from my brain...

This is the first year in 16 years that I havent been going back to school.What a weird feeling. I miss it in a way. I miss the friendships. I often feel so lonely here in morden, my old friends have seemed to move on in life and that is understandable but it still sucks.

Cory and I are leading youth in Manitou this year. It gets me thinking about my experiences in youth and I severly miss those days. My relationship with Jason and Traci among other youth leaders. The support I felt from them got me through so much and I pray I can pass that support on to the youth I support.

My depression is up and down lately...It is tough not to have a lot of people to talk to about it. I miss the late night dorm talks, the late night walks and such.

Ho Hum!

HOwever, I love my husband so much. He has been my rock so much lately. Starting a new job has been so challenging and he has been simply amazing. I wish I could show him how much I truely appriciate him!